


Thorin of the Mount

by NichePastiche



Series: The Previously Lonely Mountain - Thorin/Erebor [1]
Category: The Hobbit (2012)
Genre: Bilbo POV, Community: hobbit_kink, Other, Thorin is Captain Kirk, does it still count as het if the woman is actually a mountain?, mountain climbing fetish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-05
Updated: 2013-04-05
Packaged: 2017-12-07 13:19:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/748948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NichePastiche/pseuds/NichePastiche
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alternately titled, "Bilbo learns not to ask."<br/>Thorin is climbing a mountain. Why is he climbing a mountain? He wants to make love to the mountain.<br/>Inspired by Shatner Of The Mount by Fall On Your Sword.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thorin of the Mount

**Author's Note:**

> I strongly encourage you to watch the following youtube video before reading.  
> Things will make more sense if you do. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HU2ftCitvyQ

They had retaken Erebor and everyone had made it through without any losses among the Company. At least, Bilbo thought they had. Now he wasn't so sure. He was beginning to suspect Thorin's sanity was a casualty of war.  
  
The Company was currently staying just outside the front gates, because of the large quantities of dragon dung that needed to be removed before the mountain was habitable again. It was after a particularly hard and smelly day's work that Bilbo spotted Thorin scaling the rock face of Erebor. Worried he might fall, Bilbo alerted the rest of the company.  
  
"King Thorin is climbing the mountain!" Bilbo exclaimed, the other dwarves briefly glance at their precariously ascending King, but don't further Acknowledge Bilbo's startled observation.  
  
Annoyed, Bilbo repeated himself louder this time, "King Thorin is climbing the mountain!"   
  
"Aye..." Balin admitted rather reluctantly.  
  
When it became clear no more information was forthcoming, Bilbo decided to forgo politeness for the blunt approach. " _Why_  is he climbing the mountain?"  
  
"I think, in this case, ignorance is the better part of valor," the Dwarf advised, "but if you're dead set on finding out you can ask him yourself later."  
  
Against all better judgement and good sense, Bilbo did just that. He brought up the subject during breakfast the next morning, Thorin having returned to the camp sometime during the night.  
  
"Thorin? Why were you climbing the mountain?" Bilbo really didn't think there was anything wrong with asking. Why should rock climbing be inappropriate breakfast conversation? Apparently it was though, just going by the reactions.  
  
Bifur raised a hand as if to hide his face in it, but then thought better of it considering the axe-blade in his skull. Bofur folded the front of his hat down so it covered his face and Dori appeared to be choking, or something, for a moment.   
  
In a voice more impassioned than during any discussion previous, Thorin answered Bilbo's question,"to hug the Mountain."   
  
 _Well, as far as strange answers go, that's a doozy._  Things only got stranger from there.   
  
"To envelope… _that_  Mountain." The look on Thorin's face as he spoke was somewhere between lovestruck and smoldering. "That,  _Mountain_!" The King gave an involuntary shudder.   
  
Bilbo could see why the others were reluctant to answer his questions. This was getting a little creepy. No sooner did Bilbo have that thought than Thorin spoke again.  
  
"I want to make love to the Mountain."  
  
 _A lot creepy,_  Bilbo amended silently.  
  
Thorin continued, oblivious to Bilbo's increasing dismay. "Foul dragons, scaly body and giant claws, challenged the Rock, asking for death!"  Thorin grasped Bilbo by the shoulders. "Why do I climb the mountain?" he punctuated the inquiry with an abrupt shake before relinquishing his hold, "Because I'm in love!"  
  
For the first time in a long time, Bilbo wished he'd never left his Hobbit hole. There were no pervy mountain fanciers in the shire.  
  
"There is a passionate affair going on between me and that mountain. I am with… I am  _with_  the Mountain! Now the dragon is gone I may climb. It's love was veracious, fleeting and illusive and peripheral. It could not keep me from the Mountain!"  
  
Bilbo fervently hoped this wouldld be over soon. At the very least, maybe Thorin would let go of him.  
  
"Why do I climb the mountain?" Thorin repeated, at high volume, "Because I'm in love!!!"  
  
Bilbo cursed his inquisitive Tookishness.

* * *

That night, it was all Bilbo could do to avoid looking in the direction of the mountain. Apparently his distress showed on his face.

"It could have been worse," Bofur attempted to reassure him, "you could have asked him about it when he was drunk like I did!"   
  
Bilbo couldn't really imagine a more uncomfortable conversation than he'd just had. When he expressed as much, Bofur just laughed. "I had to listen to an hour of geology and mining innuendo!"  
  
"An entire hour? Surely not!" Bilbo exclaimed in dismay.  
  
"It's nothin' to worry about laddie," Balin reassured  "Ya should'a seen his brother."  
  
"I didn't know Thorin had a brother," Bilbo was grateful for the change of subject  
  
"Aye, Charlie Oakensheen they called him."  
  
"Oh, and he had similar… um,  _proclivities_  I take it?"  
  
"He liked to bang rocks. Also, unusually competitive."   
  
Bilbo figured he'd have to leave this sort of thing out of any tales he might tell about his adventure. Anyway, it wasn't the sort of thing he wanted to be remembering.  
  
Balin interrupted his thoughts, "Also, he was unusually competitive."  
  
"I'm sorry, who?"  
  
"Charlie, Thorin's brother!"  
  
"Oh, right. Sorry. Why didn't he come with us?"  
  
"He died. Had an unfortunate accident trying to obtain Warg blood."  
  
Bilbo didn't ask.

**Author's Note:**

> I also wrote a sequel, but it somehow managed to grow a plot and get angsty.


End file.
